Janice Hardy critiqued a 250 words snippet of my Fantasy book Reminiscence of a Shadow last year. Janice is a writer of Fantasy and Science-fiction for teens. She runs this awesome blog site dedicated to all writers called The Other Side of the Story.
Background: First person narrative in Sword and Sorcery fantasy genre. Narrator becomes a Shade-in-training after his death. In this scene, he travels with Marin and Taren after being separated with their Captain, when a monster, which had been following them since long, attacks them.
A light tremor shook the earth beneath me gently. I felt a sudden chill at my chest. Something came whistling through the air above us. Flying or falling, I’d no idea.
From how far did he make that jump?
The monster landed on its knee, crouching. The sheer power of the collision of him against the earth sent a ripple through the hard ground!
“Can’t believe I’m going to die with you lot!” said Marin.
Taren frowned. “The feeling’s mutual, friend.”
Marin looked at me sidelong. “How did you get rid of it the first time?”
I shrugged. “Um…I had to die.”
“Now where’s a Shade when you need one?” said Marin.
Taren brought out his blade and charged ahead. He hardly reached up to the monster’s waist, how he planned to kill it, I’d no idea.
The monster took out its battleaxe — as large as one of those smaller trees — even larger compared to Taren’s sword. Then it stomped its foot to the ground, making Taren stumble upon the tremor. It stepped in, flicked away the sword off Taren’s hand and raised the axe high above his head.
A giant arc cut down at him. I closed my eyes involuntarily, expecting the worse.
When I opened it a moment later, I found the axe still above the monster’s head.
A dark wire – dark, and smoldered in an even darker mist –- held the axe, mid-way, against the will of the monster.
“Captain!” I screamed like a little boy. Never before had I been this happy to see that face.
Critique By Janice Hardy (@Janice_Hardy): on The Other Side of the Story: Real Life Diagnostics: Keeping Action Scenes Clear…
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